Becoming:

There’s a quote that, if I could find it, perfectly lays out my feelings of this past year... but for the life of me, I can’t. The quote remains unfound. None of the key words that I type into the google search bar, or pinterest --not even the good ol’ fashioned eye squishing, eyebrow scrunching efforts of thought will bring up a yielding result. 

Anyways, the quote has something to say about the ways we like to define our years. We like to say we’ve had a year of growth, or defining. Of success, accomplishment, pursuit of happiness and the like. A bad year, a hard one -sometimes we throw the whole thing out as a displeasing failure, define it a loss and we’re on to the next one if we feel life came out on top in this street fight. But this year, though it may have had bits and pieces of all of the above (even, surprisingly  the witness of a street fight -broken car windows, profanity coming from my scared, shocked little mouth and all), it will be defined by none of it. This year, for me, was a year all about becoming. This past year, through the good, the bad and the growth. The kicking and screaming met by exhaustion. Through all the failure, the success, the defining...I became. 

2014 has turned me. Brought me around corners, and steep exhilarating drops. It’s spun me around a few times, given me quite a few surprises, and lots of brilliant, breath-caught-in-your-throat, let-me-take-a-moment-to-remember-this views. This past year was quite a thing. I didn't see it comin', and couldn't guess at or piece it together if I tried.  2014 is one for the record books, filled with new, and change, and a whole lot of questioning what the heck I thought I was doing.. and who I thought I was.  If someone had previously laid it out for me, I probably couldn’t claim it as my own, and would definitely say there was a solid chance I didn’t know the lucky girl it belonged to. This past year stands out from any of the rest, in a way that maybe leaves people puzzled. Yet 2014 has felt so true, so authentic. So full.

Friendships brought in truth, love, healing... 

They've carried in bellies and bellies full of laughter: 

Erupting from results of dares, of odds lost. Many of which we were unsure would actually be lived out. But sense of daring proved victorious, and hilarious. 

And more laughter overflowing, spilling over simply from joys of the day. While walking to work, tripping on the boardwalk... again. While studying, attempting to learn the art of the wall twerk, traveling to and from new places, throwing "tea" in the harbor, dancing to Taylor Swift. Through showing new friends how to make s'mores... and accrediting their invention to a dear friend. Calling out inventive new names for pizza, listening to our co-workers sing Britney Spears. Trying and failing to set up bug nets, being dive-bombed by lizards and bugs because we didn’t put up our said bug nets and mistaking birthmarks for beetles. Playing soccer ...and losing every time, gathering flowers from sweet adorable children, swinging on palm trees, and selfies on roller coasters. And of course the toilet humor of such innocent, harmless looking girls that will never not leave me uncomfortable. Chuckles through writing letters, or making wifi passwords, simply looking at each other at the wrong (or right) moment. Laughing at how sad I was before there was even anything to mourn, laughing at each other’s laughs

... living.

We’ve fought and gave way to at least an equal amount of tears:

On planes, in cars, buses and trains. On porch steps, couches and rocking chairs. Balconies, beaches, and numerous different Denny’s. In driveways buried in 6 1/2 feet of snow..in the kitchen, laying on the carpet beneath the fireplace, at the pool, and more porch steps  and stoops that didn’t belong to anyone we knew. 

Over histories, and friendships, and writers that just got it. About death, broken relationships, our discomfort in weakness and not having control. Out of nothing but complete and utter exhaustion.

There were happy tears, too... About the surprises and abundant blessings of God. About his grace, provision, and purpose, and our complete lack of understanding. And then, sparkling tears of revelation when we finally did see. When we came to understand that He is so careful, so perfect, and so incredibly loving. There were tears about baptism, and engagement, and God working everything out, down to the precise timing of a friendship, for our good and His glory. The simplicity of true happiness, true strength, and mourning for these beautiful moments, even before they’re gone. 

There were tears from missing the moments when they finally were gone. Tears moments after the goodbyes, and scattered through quite a few days after. Tears filled with missing friends who became family -countless bitter, sweet tears.

Good friends (and good books) have gone with me, examining the hows, the whys behind those tears, and how to be totally okay with not being okay...I couldn’t be more grateful for that sweet gift. Their acceptance of my fear, and my pain. The allowance of brokenness and imperfections have helped me to savor joy that much more. Like any good food, maybe joy just needs a bit of salt sometimes to bring out it’s true flavor. 

So bring on the laughter, and bring on the tears. 

Adventures made the world seem so much smaller, and kinder, and in need of what I found I’m longing to give. I saw the impact an open hand can make --eager to give, and grateful, willing to share as it takes. I was opened to how far a smile and some broken language can get you -and in turn broken by how a few questions, laughs, smiles and steps of trust before they’re earned can build a friendship, and a lasting image on your heart.

Cómo se dice...

Jak se česky řekne...
Türkçe'de ... nasıl denir?
... zhōngwén zěnme shuō?
...friend...

Adventure is important, in the big ways and the small. I’ve found next to compassion and gratitude, practicing a sense of daring might have been exactly what saved me this year -particularly over this summer and every day since.
Daring to do what excites me and is pulling at my heart, even when it initially “not scares.. just shocks” some of the people who love me so dearly. Even when it will take more faith and trust than I alone have (and maybe a financial miracle) to get to where I know I’m meant to go.
Daring to look like a fool. To laugh at myself, and allow others to laugh along with me.
Daring to do things I know will scare me --like strapping myself to a friend and a bungee cord and free falling over the pier. Like telling a friend things that have always made me feel a little less worthy of love, or talking to a counselor about why it’s been hard to get through a dance class without wanting to cry.

The gospel made grace real and dirty and so tangible. In definition, unearned -in life, sometimes unwanted. 

I have learned just how badly I don’t want to need grace over this year. I want to have it together. I want to strive to be strong, and stable and more than perfect. And if I can get past that, if I can realize that this will always be a losing battle, then I fall to feeling unworthy. I am aiming, striving to not need grace, to be perfect --completely whole all on my own. But the truth is I am utterly broken, and imperfect to the core. And so there it is -the crux of the matter. I need it, I can’t earn it, and it makes me uncomfortable. 

God gave something unspeakable, Jesus stepped in for me, and I never did -never will do anything to deserve it, no matter how hard I may try. I want to crawl out of my skin thinking about it sometimes, because I don’t even like to accept help on a good day from other normal, imperfect people. I am uncomfortable not doing anything to earn what I get. Fundamentally, I’ve realized I am uncomfortable with the idea that love is indeed not earned. But the question is, am I daring enough to accept the gift daily, despite my desperate want to claim I don’t need it?

And so there also lies the beauty. When I can sit and take it in, and allow the weight to be lifted. This God, this Maker of mine, brought himself into this weak and confusing humanity to become accessible to me --to become broken, and daring for me. He loves me before I do anything, and is still there after all is said and done. This puts it all in context --reshapes my definitions of love and worth and all of life.. shows me what it means to be compassionate, and daring, and filled with truth and a longing for adventure... and there lies beauty, there lies grace. 

And through the gospel, through the grace of God, I am becoming whole.

So here we are at another year’s end,

wading into the warm comforts of nostalgia one last time before dipping our toes into the briskness of the future. 

And here’s to welcoming that briskness. Welcoming the turns, and the exhilarating drops that take your breath leaving you a bit jolted --full of laughter, or a deep sigh of hope, as soon as your lungs suck the sweet air back in again. Here’s to the life that you just can’t see coming, but turns out greater than anything you could have planned for yourself. The life that might look unfamiliar or out of place from an outside view.. but here’s to knowing that this life has been crafted and hemmed to fit you like a glove. Tailored to bring out your best features, and help improve your worst. Here’s to this adventure, this daring sense of life. Here’s to the feeling it gives you. The feeling that’s a little like the choke in your throat you get from watching movies like It’s A Wonderful Life, or The Good Lie, or the Season 2 Finale of The Office, but a lot like knowing that there are countless things you can do with that heart in your throat, and only one of them is sitting on the couch, crying into your bowl of popcorn. Here’s to knowing this life is so authentically you.
Here’s to 2014, what’s to come in 2015....

And here’s to becoming.