GRACE:
My twin, my friend. My dear, younger sister.
I have been scared. I just wanted you to know. I have been so scared.
Weeks of worry and anxiety and fear. And though all these feelings have not primarily rooted from your surgery, they have found birth there, too.
For more reasons than one, this past spring has been a hard and scary thing for me.
Hard, scary, emotional, draining.
And coming into this past week already on empty was a hard and scary thing.
Lots of tears, even more exhaustion. But love was there, too. Love is always there, too.
After seeing you suffer with pain for eight years, I was scared to see you endure more in hope of an answer.
I was scared for your safety in surgery.
After seeing pictures and googling too much, I was scared for your recovery.
Scared for the possibility of this being another dead end.
And scared for your mental and emotional state if it was.
I have been terrified for your spiritual health if this was just another confusing non-answer to your pain.
I mean how can someone go through so much pain?
There’s an example I’ve heard in which a psychology professor holds up a glass of water to illustrate the idea that it is not about the weight of the burden you carry, but how long you hold it that really packs on the pressure and discomfort.. I would argue that this illustration only applies to the increasing pain of small burdens.
Me and the rest of the family might be carrying around glasses of water for an unreasonable amount of time,
but you have been carrying a lead anvil around for eight years.
How could someone go through what you go through, believing that there is a God, and not be mad with Him about all of this?
Me, with my little glass of water, I have been mad with God about this.
I have.
It is one thing I still think is unfair, and unjust and I just don’t understand from my perspective.
From my perspective.
But I know there is more than my perspective.
I have to have faith, that in this circumstance -in your life, there is more than I can see. More than my small amount of understanding. More than my reasoning can grasp.
I will tell you something I can grasp though.
I can grasp that God loves you. He loves you a whole lot.
I can understand that this is an opportunity for you to know him closer, on a personal level that I, and many other people, will never get to understand.
I understand that He, even through your pain, is pulling you closer to Him. Pursuing you and your radiant heart.
Do you hear him? In these quiet times. When the lights are low, or your eyes are swollen. When the pain brings you to a point of not being able to take in any other stimulation. Do you see Him? He is there with you.
I can understand that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him.. all things.
I can grasp that our purpose is to bring Him glory. You, here, now. You can bring Him glory. You can be glorifying to God. No matter where He has you. No matter what kind of state you’re in.
Life is hard, and it is scary, and there is a lot that is going to bring frustration, and even more that we will never understand.
Friday morning, when Dad and I went to grab breakfast, He stated that watching you go through the pain of the night previous, He wondered if this is how God would have felt watching Jesus suffer what He did on the cross.
Meanwhile, that same night, I was praying to Jesus, letting him know a little something different. My prayer sounded I bit like this:
“Jesus, what the hell. STOP IT! Stop her getting sick right this instant. I swear to God, I swear to your Father -God, Jesus, I swear to you.. if she gets sick one more time.. When I get up there... oohohoho oohh, When I get up there I will find you, and I will punch you. I will knock you in the stomach so hard, you’ll be the one continuously vomiting blood. Do you hear me? Stop it. Don’t let her get sick again. And trust me, this is not a threat. It is a solid promise. So watch your back. If she gets sick again, sleep with one eye open.”
Then after you had exhausted your last episode, Dad, with his kind, rational heart asked to pray for you. And his simple petition brought hope. It reassured me that everything is going to be alright. That even here -even as your eyes are swelling you blind, even as you are scared to take your pain meds in risk of getting sick again, even as none of us are able to get any sleep heavy enough that a sniffle or shift from you in the recliner wouldn’t wake us; ever here, God is working to restore relationship. To bring us closer to each other and to Him. All of us. Through you and your circumstance. And you are so strong, Gracie. You are so strong to be the one He has chosen for this role. I thanked God for Daddy’s prayer, and I may have apologized for the threatening tone I took with Him earlier.
But you didn’t get sick again, did you..
There are two types of praying people, I guess... we can argue over which is more effective later. (;
God is teaching here, bringing us close, revealing himself. He is teaching you here, and in turn, we get the chance to learn with you.
You are learning faith, trust, and hope despite fear inducing circumstances.
You get to learn dependence like I have never known. It is so humbling to see you be willing to ask for help. Be willing to be honest with your pains, your needs. God wants us to be fully dependent on Him. Completely honest with what we need and what pains us. He wants us to be fully dependent on Him to fulfill those needs, heal our pains and supply our joy, because when we are open and honest, He is able to show up that much bigger! Look at all the room you have given him to show up in this place. I know it has to be so hard to be here right now, but Grace, I have seen such a beautiful example of dependance from you. You remind me to be honest about my hurt and my need to others, and most importantly to the One who provides all.
He has given you lots of years of experience, braving the questions and the pain and the medication. Remember when you couldn’t even swallow a pill? When this all started, and you were young, you couldn’t even swallow a pea whole at the dinner table. Eventually you braved that little step, and you have been braving this path ever since.
Braving the misunderstandings from friends and teachers and society as a whole. Braving the needles, and the scalpels, and the numerous physicians who swore that they had an answer for you.
Maybe you have had more experience with brave than most. And maybe there isn’t much of a choice but to be brave after that first step despite the fear we all have inside.
But rest assured, God is teaching you to be brave. His Spirit is brave in you. Wherever this last surgery takes you, you can continue to be brave. He will have you. Be strong. Be courageous. Be very courageous. Our Lord is with you. He cares for you. He hasn’t forsaken you, He never will. Even here.
You are learning suffering. No need to beat around the bush with that one. You have suffered. You are suffering. And it sucks. It sucks hard.
But others have suffered too.
Job. He understood the pain and anger and disappointment it was living through a life in which it seemed every time he opened his hands to the Lord, He took.
Abraham and Sarah, they know the suffering of waiting. The pain of seeing what they thought was an answer turn around to cause confusion and pain.
Noah knew what it was like to be misunderstood by society.
Joseph knew how it felt to be the favorite child ;) ..but he knew a whole lotta suffering too.
And Jesus... Jesus knew it all.
Jesus can relate to every time the pain was physically too much for you, causing you to get sick.
He can relate to crying bloody tears.
He can relate to having to walk through the airport in your condition. He had to walk through crowds all battered up, too.
And I bet you can tell us better than most what it might have felt like to wear a crown of thorns.
You know your Savior’s pain to be true. You can give life to the price he paid in pain, because you, too have lived physical suffering. He knows, He has been there with you through it all. And He has decided to share that intimate knowledge of that part of His life with you.
And I guarantee you He knows that the highest beauty comes from scars. The sweetest joy, after tears. The strongest spirit from tribulation.
The richest life after death.
That is the sacred truth of the gospel.
That when we are assured we are a goner, when we feel we couldn’t be more lowly and broken, God comes in and changes the story.
Which brings reassurance to me in my many fears and worries, and I hope it does the same for you.
There is always life after all our little deaths throughout our stories. There is joy, there is light for you still. And it will shine so bright from you, Gracie. You are a city on a hill. God has brought you through, to this place out on your own mountain to show your light. Don’t let the pain scare you. You are still made to shine.
Love you,
praying for you, a recovery and an answer always.
Erin
Isaiah 53
Isaiah 55
2 Corinthians 1:3-11
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