Here's to life:

Life is messy.

There's just no escaping it.

It's busy and hectic; rough, jagged, at every edge. No matter how hard I try, I can't control it. There's no cleaning it up, twisting it to fit my standards. People are unpredictable. With lives colliding, they leave you changed, for better or worse, at any and every interaction. Situations throw you for a loop. Opportunities come and go, many only being recognized for what they were after they're far out of reach. Emotions, questions, doubts and wonder lead you into another reality of your own creation, complicating everything all the more. Life is, and always will be, a glorious mess.

Within that mess though, we all should take the opportunity to find moments of value when we can. Of meaning, connection, memory... I want to be able to look at it and know there is importance within the struggle and the mayhem. I want to be able to connect and relate to others; to allow opportunity for them to see through my eyes, and I through theirs. 

So often, I go through my day, week, or month even, without taking time to fully understand or appreciate what has happened. I don't process and give good thought to life. Because to be real, I have been going through this daily process for over twenty-two years now, and well, let's face it...It's pretty easy at this point to think I know what I'm doing. I too often think I have control. I got this.
In this state of mind, I've found myself cruisin' on autopilot a little too often. Haven't we all?

But within this past year, I have found so much change; surprises and adventure at every turn. I have learned to take chances. To trust and have faith in the unknown. I have jumped in, unsuspecting of what will be found ahead of me, and what will be asked of me when I get there. It's scary. It's hard. It has the ability to shatter an ego and leave you hurting, filled with question. But I never question if it's worth it. With care and precision in timing, God has always revealed worth. 

My definition of worth and purpose are not what they used to be. And although it has taken a lot to adjust, I can say I have never been happier than I have been struggling to make sense of the glorious mess that has unfolded this year. I feel God teaching me so much lately. Life itself has shifted underneath my feet so many times and I have barely been able to keep up.  I want to record the passion God has blessed me with, the lessons he has taught me, and the opportunities he has prepared for me. I don't want to miss this. I don't want to forget how I felt throughout this past year. The big changes I've met, the trials I have overcome. I haven't been able to truly appreciate the abundance of grace, love and understanding from my Heavenly Father. 

So here's my way of trying to do so --an attempt to recollect the past year, reflect and continue to journal, hopefully engaging with others in the process. If no one reads, that's cool too! I want these memories to be contained somehow, even if just for my own clarity. To be able to record my walk through life with Christ, with both it's joys and struggles, will help me better understand myself and my Savior. But I also know that God can use anything for his glory, even just someone's simple daily ramblings recorded somewhere on the internet. 

Also, I know I have let my mother (and others) down in keeping them updated with life, and the life altering experiences and decisions. I love you and miss you, and I'm sorry for never calling except for when I'm in need, cause you know I love you more than that!

So here's to a messy life!.. and to you, Mom!