Two Months
Two months have gone by and I still have not written a single word about my trip to El Salvador when my whole purpose of starting up this blogging fiasco again was to keep everyone updated and to share the joys and adventures of life as I chase my passion in pursuing the Lord.
It's been two months. I've had two very different trips that have twisted, shifted and clarified the lens through which I understand my life and my God. Yet still, no words have been sent out to the world from my corner of the web...
Trying to write on a schedule is a lot harder than I thought. I mean, I love writing. Why should it be so hard for me to find time to take a seat, harness my mind and let my fingers run wild on the keyboard?
I want to write about my trips. I do... but I don't know that I can get myself to do that just yet.
You see, a lot has happened. Adventures are noteworthy, but there are thoughts, feelings, befores and afters that deserve to be covered, too. It's almost hard to wrap my head around just how much movement there has been in so many areas in my life. So many things I could never wrap my brain around seem to have begun to untangle. Fears that have crippled me are shedding their leprous layers. Learning to trust God through struggle, through fear and through uncertainty has proven it is paralyzingly frightening to give up control. But as much fear as I have in letting go, when I finally empty my arms, my Father gives me more than I can carry, making it impossible not to go in search of people to share it with. And what a blessing that is to share the love, joy and understanding that living in Christ gives me!
It's been two months and I'm still finding pressed flowers falling out of my bible, books, and journals.
I have two months until my next trip, on my summer project with Cru in NJ, and I'm already dreaming about the places it will take me and the people it will enable me to reach. I'm already looking into other ways to grow in faith and learn, experience and help aid the needs of God's people around the world.
I don't think I've ever been so sure of a thing in my life, but I know that this is my purpose --to reach, serve and love people as Christ loves me.
I feel silly even thinking of writing it down sometimes, sharing my experiences that sometimes seem so nonsensical to someone viewing it from the outside, but God has placed this passion on my heart, so why not be open with it?
I have been looking into the world race. It started as just a friend telling me to check it out and has now spiraled into late nights of watching the videos and reading the blogs of racers on their adventure through serving the Lord in 11 different countries in a year. I have talked to friends I know that work with the organization or have gone on missions trips with them before, and I just can't shake the interest. There's even a route starting next year that I know is calling my name.. I mean, they're going to Moldova (there's another story for another time)!!! I've been trying not to get wrapped up in it. It's not feasible to do or to ask for, but even with loads of prayer and thinking through every thought of why it's just not right to go, or not right to go now, the desire grows painfully deeper. Just this morning it was hard not to be in tears over it -over how bad I just want to be done with school and be able to be free to go where Christ calls, where his people are in need.
I want to reach people. I want to go where He calls. And I don't need a bed and I don't need social media and technology. I don't need long hot showers, or toilets that flush (I mean don't get me wrong, they would be nice, but I was actually surprised at how unfazed and happy I remained without them) I don't need make-up or to look in the mirror before I go... I just want to go. I want to be there, reaching people, loving them, serving them. Whatever God asks, wherever He's calling, near or far, sign me up. I wanna do it!
I know there are smart ways about this. I know it is smart for me to graduate first, despite my BA in dance having absolutely nothing to do with what I'm now longing to pursue. I know it's smart of me to slow down. After all, the meat of this situation has transpired in the matter of a year. People have said about me that it's just a phase I'm going through. Living in it, I have every right and reason not to believe them, but what if there's that .01% chance it's true and they're right?
And there are so many other doubts, fears and questions...
Don't jump the gun Erin, you're so young and there's so much you should know and experience before making decisions to give up success for serving.
You don't want to wear people down, or scare them off while you're doing all these crazy Christian things.
You need to take care of your student loans.
Your family is in financial straights right now, how do you think this is okay to do this while they're still in need of help and support?
And then through these decisions, and trying to follow God's will comes the one that wrestles with me the most:
Whatever you choose, God will bless you through it.
Well of course He will, He's God. I'm his daughter and he loves me. So he will bless me because he loves to give me good gifts, the best gifts in fact. But does that mean that I am following his will? Does that mean I am being obedient to what he may be asking me to do. There have been times in my life I know, down to my core, that God has called me to do something, to reach out to someone and I refused. I know it's stupid, but there have even been instances where I've given him conditions ( What nerve! an example happened this last thursday, passing by someone in obvious distress on my way to meet a friend back at a cru event "Okay God, if I turn around and this girl is off the phone, then I will go up to her and ask whats wrong." I turn around and what do you know...) He complies, somewhat comically, and I still walk away! I had the opportunity to reach out and show compassion and I passed it up. He still loves me through it. He still blesses me through it, but that doesn't mean when I chose out of selfishness or fear that I am not being disobedient.
I don't want to choose because it's good, I want to choose because that is where Christ is moving me, where I feel he will have the best ability to work through me. Whether it's comfortable or not, easy or not, accepted or not. I know whatever I choose has potential to be a good decision, and has potential for great things to come from it. But I want to make myself available for God to move through me in as many ways as possible, many of those being far beyond any decision I would be willing to make on my own. I don't want to stand in the way with fearful resistance or selfish ambition.
I know it's a big decision...So maybe I will give it two months.
It's been two months. I've had two very different trips that have twisted, shifted and clarified the lens through which I understand my life and my God. Yet still, no words have been sent out to the world from my corner of the web...
Trying to write on a schedule is a lot harder than I thought. I mean, I love writing. Why should it be so hard for me to find time to take a seat, harness my mind and let my fingers run wild on the keyboard?
I want to write about my trips. I do... but I don't know that I can get myself to do that just yet.
You see, a lot has happened. Adventures are noteworthy, but there are thoughts, feelings, befores and afters that deserve to be covered, too. It's almost hard to wrap my head around just how much movement there has been in so many areas in my life. So many things I could never wrap my brain around seem to have begun to untangle. Fears that have crippled me are shedding their leprous layers. Learning to trust God through struggle, through fear and through uncertainty has proven it is paralyzingly frightening to give up control. But as much fear as I have in letting go, when I finally empty my arms, my Father gives me more than I can carry, making it impossible not to go in search of people to share it with. And what a blessing that is to share the love, joy and understanding that living in Christ gives me!
It's been two months and I'm still finding pressed flowers falling out of my bible, books, and journals.
I have two months until my next trip, on my summer project with Cru in NJ, and I'm already dreaming about the places it will take me and the people it will enable me to reach. I'm already looking into other ways to grow in faith and learn, experience and help aid the needs of God's people around the world.
I don't think I've ever been so sure of a thing in my life, but I know that this is my purpose --to reach, serve and love people as Christ loves me.
I feel silly even thinking of writing it down sometimes, sharing my experiences that sometimes seem so nonsensical to someone viewing it from the outside, but God has placed this passion on my heart, so why not be open with it?
I have been looking into the world race. It started as just a friend telling me to check it out and has now spiraled into late nights of watching the videos and reading the blogs of racers on their adventure through serving the Lord in 11 different countries in a year. I have talked to friends I know that work with the organization or have gone on missions trips with them before, and I just can't shake the interest. There's even a route starting next year that I know is calling my name.. I mean, they're going to Moldova (there's another story for another time)!!! I've been trying not to get wrapped up in it. It's not feasible to do or to ask for, but even with loads of prayer and thinking through every thought of why it's just not right to go, or not right to go now, the desire grows painfully deeper. Just this morning it was hard not to be in tears over it -over how bad I just want to be done with school and be able to be free to go where Christ calls, where his people are in need.
I want to reach people. I want to go where He calls. And I don't need a bed and I don't need social media and technology. I don't need long hot showers, or toilets that flush (I mean don't get me wrong, they would be nice, but I was actually surprised at how unfazed and happy I remained without them) I don't need make-up or to look in the mirror before I go... I just want to go. I want to be there, reaching people, loving them, serving them. Whatever God asks, wherever He's calling, near or far, sign me up. I wanna do it!
I know there are smart ways about this. I know it is smart for me to graduate first, despite my BA in dance having absolutely nothing to do with what I'm now longing to pursue. I know it's smart of me to slow down. After all, the meat of this situation has transpired in the matter of a year. People have said about me that it's just a phase I'm going through. Living in it, I have every right and reason not to believe them, but what if there's that .01% chance it's true and they're right?
And there are so many other doubts, fears and questions...
Don't jump the gun Erin, you're so young and there's so much you should know and experience before making decisions to give up success for serving.
You don't want to wear people down, or scare them off while you're doing all these crazy Christian things.
You need to take care of your student loans.
Your family is in financial straights right now, how do you think this is okay to do this while they're still in need of help and support?
And then through these decisions, and trying to follow God's will comes the one that wrestles with me the most:
Whatever you choose, God will bless you through it.
Well of course He will, He's God. I'm his daughter and he loves me. So he will bless me because he loves to give me good gifts, the best gifts in fact. But does that mean that I am following his will? Does that mean I am being obedient to what he may be asking me to do. There have been times in my life I know, down to my core, that God has called me to do something, to reach out to someone and I refused. I know it's stupid, but there have even been instances where I've given him conditions ( What nerve! an example happened this last thursday, passing by someone in obvious distress on my way to meet a friend back at a cru event "Okay God, if I turn around and this girl is off the phone, then I will go up to her and ask whats wrong." I turn around and what do you know...) He complies, somewhat comically, and I still walk away! I had the opportunity to reach out and show compassion and I passed it up. He still loves me through it. He still blesses me through it, but that doesn't mean when I chose out of selfishness or fear that I am not being disobedient.
I don't want to choose because it's good, I want to choose because that is where Christ is moving me, where I feel he will have the best ability to work through me. Whether it's comfortable or not, easy or not, accepted or not. I know whatever I choose has potential to be a good decision, and has potential for great things to come from it. But I want to make myself available for God to move through me in as many ways as possible, many of those being far beyond any decision I would be willing to make on my own. I don't want to stand in the way with fearful resistance or selfish ambition.
I know it's a big decision...So maybe I will give it two months.
Erin, God answers prayers in 3 ways: Yes, no and wait. All in God's time and yes, I read your talk and listened to you share your experiences and the light in your eyes and eagerness to share told me that He is working through. Don't worry about your BA in dancing...you learned discipline, working with people and other attributes that you will use in sharing God with others. Yes, the Devil does a great job in discouraging us from sharing God's word. But you have Grandma Campbell in Heaven rejoicing in your decision to follow
ReplyDeleteGod and all who love you are praying for you nightly. If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it. Sending love and prayers to a phenomenal young woman.