A Letter To My Modern Teacher:

For many of our classes in the dance program at UB, we write letters to our professors multiple times throughout the semester, keeping them up to date on what we feel we've learned in class, and what we feel we need to work on. On the closing of this semester, I thought it might be nice to share my last letter. Give insight on some of my feelings about dance this last semester, and also share my jazz practical from the end of last year with some fresh insight, and ability to watch it through a different set of eyes:

Throughout this semester, I have learned quite a bit, and a lot has taken effect on my life and its passions. My experience here at University at Buffalo, and particularly in the dance department, has turned out to be a lot different than anticipated. Dance has built my passion for other avenues, and the techniques and concepts have built me up, helped me to maintain confidence in both my time here in the studios and my hopes for the future.  Most importantly, dance has taught me to be open and accepting of change, emotion, and God’s plan and timing.

            Speaking honestly, when I came into this semester, my heart was far from dance. I had a change of heart in what I wanted to pursue, which left me confused and hurting. Dance has been what I’ve been head over heals in love with –in constant, overwhelming want to express my passion, and pursue and achieve within the field.  When feelings started to change, it was unclear and emotional. I felt inept -in the field I am currently studying, and the other I felt called to pursue.  When I finally started to wrap my head around the ideas of pursuing other avenues, I started to resent dance. I saw no connection between where I was and where I wanted to be. My study had nothing to do with what I now longed to pursue. I saw no connection between what I was doing in the dance department and how it would better help me serve people in missions work. Last semester, I would come into ballet and jazz, angry and upset at everything. There were even times I had cried while laying on the floor for Laban as my mind ran off wild, finding countless doubts, angers and injuries, while my body was trying to find quiet and collection.  (Now I don’t want you to think in any way that I hold this against the dance department or any staff, because I don’t. I was going through internal struggle, and it is hard for me to come to people in these moments, as I often take a while to process. I don’t come to people often in my weakness –which has been another lesson I have come to learn this past semester and look to improve on). The only time my mind was steadily on dance was in Modern 3/Improvisation. That class had not only provided me with escapism when I needed it, but also allowed me to indulge in my passion and find a way of connecting it to other areas of my life. I was able to take our ideas, practices and themes out of the classroom with me everyday. It was still second nature to connect my feelings, thoughts and current life experience into my work in class. Improv was the one thread that kept both sides of my life connected. So coming into this semester, I let go of everything else, cut all other ties -no classes, no rehearsals and performances,  just modern. Others might not be accepting of my decision. Might judge my passion or commitment, but I know this decision was healthy for me. If I were to stick it out and commit to pushing my body through these classes, auditions and performances that were expected of me, if I were to try to keep appearances, I fear I would have done long term damage to my love for the art. 

            Stepping away from other styles and avenues the department provides this past semester has given me the opportunity to breathe, grow, and understand whether or not this is truly what I want. Upon doing this, I have really been able to dive into modern and give it my all. With no other classes asking for possession and pull of my body or energy, I am able to devote to what I am passionate about without holding back, both within and outside of the department. I also really dove, headfirst into the text this year (as no student, including me ever really does), and got a lot out of H’Doubler and her work.

            Reading our text, I believe, has been part of my healing process in redeeming dance back to a healthy position in my life.  H’Doubler was able to have such a passion for dance. Despite coming from an unrelated field such as biology; she was able to have such a lasting impact. She understood that dance relates to so many different venues, and all avenues of life can be used to relate back to dance. Most importantly, it can be a tool, a form of communication, with others, and within yourself. I feel as if lately, life has been an unfinished connect-the-dots. I've got so many points I want to connect and join together, things I want to accomplish, passions I want to pursue, and none of them seem to match up. My heart is pulled in so  many different directions and I have yet to see where the pen will land -what the picture's going to turn out like. Waiting to see how and when the dots are going to end up connecting, or if they ever do. D’Houbler understood that art and life are inseparable; they are in and of each other. She connected all the dots (which I often seem to be struggling to do). I will be keeping our text close when it comes to my relationship with dance. I have made it to this place with a purpose, and there will always be worth in my training. I just have to be patient, open and willing to find the right connections.

            This brings me back to a few quotes that were spoken in class that have had a lasting impression on me. You opened the semester asking us to think on the term “the park closes at 8”. I've tried to keep that in mind this past year, but I’ve let that fact –or the fear, rather, of the park closing, disable me from enjoying my stay. I have been so worried about closing time. I've prepared for my trip home, stressed about fitting everything in on my day at the park. I’ve been worried and frustrated that the lines are too long, and that I’ve been wasting my time in the lines of rides I don’t even want to be on anymore. I’ve been upset when I decide to get off the ride and see everyone else enjoying themselves, forgetting in the moment, that that same ride gives me motion sickness and makes me want to toss my lunch.

            I need to remember that I only have control of the decisions I make in the moment. I cannot control the future, and I cannot let the future control me. Every decision we make lightens our path a little more. In order to understand where I’m going I must keep moving forward. There will be wrong turns, there will be obstacles, but there is a light onto my path that will only illuminate more ground if I keep moving forward. I need to remember to stay present, and not let the fear of perfection leave me angry and frozen in place. I need to remember to let life fuel my art, even if it includes my ill feelings towards it, feelings of inability to express myself, or misunderstanding my situations.
Just because I’m stepping towards something else in life does not mean I need to step away from art, for they are one in the same.