To my Father, on his first Day without his own:

Today is an important day. One to hold up and acknowledge the men in our lives. Those who have nurtured, and loved the sincerity into our person; built up and made sturdy our bones.

But this day also highlights, for some, the wobbles in their joints. There are deep aches in some hearts, as they acknowledge the lack of a father, or how a father was lacking. Days like this make it glaring that so many societal truths, and the experiences that come with them are not always universal. 

This is my own's first father's day without his father. His own day when the lack might be felt ahead of the joy. So I wanted to take a moment to sit down with him, through distance, in this letter. I open it to you, because I know the gift of a father can be appreciated by more than just their own blood. 

Dad, 

Hi. First, I just want to say I love you. I would give you a hug if you were here. I miss you and I hope your trip to Brussels goes smoothly. I hope you have some time today to sit and rest -to take a deep breath and take care of yourself after a long day of travel. I hope you are able to have space to acknowledge the moment that is this father's day, and the feelings that may come with it. Get yourself some chocolate, or mussels, or a good beer. Lift your feet up. Give yourself some time. 

I also hope you can acknowledge how much you have to be grateful for! You are deeply appreciated by our family for being the strength, the stability, the calmer of all storms. I hope you know much you are loved for just being you (-strange car trip music and all). For being our father. Acknowledge how lucky you are to have your job- one that you enjoy and that takes you to far away places. I hope you have a moment to take in just how much God loves you. 

And if you can't..

If you can't take a moment, then here is one for you. I just want to show you how I know God loves me through what he gave me in you:

Growing up,

You taught me the importance of education -assured me that I am smart, intuitive, and my ideas are important. You made known intelligence was for me just as much as it was for any boy. You empowered me. Through science kits and field trips, you cultivated exploration and an active mind. You explained your work; brought my sisters and me along to learn about it. Laboratory hours and cars could have easily been signed off as uninteresting or above your daughters heads. Instead you invited us in. As my inventiveness bent towards movement and word, you pressed on with encouragement.

Knowledge was always accessible in our home as you were there for any random, wondering question -as I'm sure were aplenty. You and mom taught me that my mind is one of individual, unattainable worth and capacity. For that I cannot thank you enough. So many young girls are limited through this window -even our own country's popular culture seems to limit us as we grow. Your fathering has taught me to cherish and challenge my mind and silence the limitations others try to place on it. You taught me to nurture the young minds of others and press them further, towards their own unknown potential. 

I want to thank you for never holding me to a small or fragile standard. Thank you for letting me run free, climb high, and try to keep in ranks with the best of them. Thank you for coaching me from the sidelines. Building up my spirit in courage as I wanted to try new things. As I wanted to play harder, adventure farther, learn more.

You encouraged me to be driven and active and exert all the energy, the athleticism, the brains I had -never even acknowledging the role I was supposed to play or not play as a young girl. You gave me opportunity to build my own role, as you and mom have done with all four of your daughters. Allowing us the space to understand and define what it means to be -a Marielle, an Erin, a Grace, an Alexa. You took me to many a shoe sizing -from soccer cleats to pointe shoes; allowing me to explore all my future possibilities -watching as I stepped into the many shoes of the woman I might become.

You allowed there to be so much possibility for who I might become! An athlete, an artist, a scientist.. a dancer, a writer, a musician... You allowed me to be myself -shy, active, analytical, cheeky, sincere, introspective. No mold was held for me by you. Because of that, I thank you for my freedom. 

You opened up the world to me. Traveling to far places, making sure to always reach us back home while you were gone. Bringing back gifts, food and culture into our home. You brought the whole globe through our front door in your suitcase. Meals inspired by far more than our family's heritage opened my acceptance and curiosity towards different tables around the world. Discussions around our own table of travel, culture, and the worth of all people no matter any difference, distance or barrier, opened my heart and mind wider than any other dinner conversation ever could. I am so grateful for the way our kitchen and our table were made large places. Large enough to span oceans and cross borders.

Through your character,
You have shown me that strength is patience and perseverance more than it is brute force. This standard has been taught through many different avenues; most importantly through our relationship. There were years where I drew away with angst and independence; patiently you stood by. As I awkwardly avoided hugging you back, you pulled me in countless times while crossing paths in the kitchen. Your love persevered.

You showed patience when I shared my thoughts and feelings, and when I refused to. Perseverance stood as you aimed to quell storms between the house full of strong-willed women. Patience sat as I worked out who I might become, what dreams I might pursue. Perseverance ran as you encouraged and built my spirit up along the way, leaving the nest for the northeast. Your strength was never fear inducing, never overpowering. Always structured -building, growing, guarding your darling daughters and cultivating their daring. 

You have encouraged me to stand in what I know is right. I was taught to hold fast to my beliefs and the passions that make me come fully alive, even as I am confronted or questioned by others. Even more importantly, you taught me to think critically about standards, rights and beliefs. If a rule or notion is against God's heart or the heart he's given me, it was clear that the right choice was not to be afraid to question it or stand on the side opposed. Jesus, too was often on the side opposed.

You taught me to question. To be unafraid of doubt, urging to explore it instead. And I think that has been my favorite lesson to as of yet. Because here, I have found that what's a trial of doubt in darkness is known as a curious pursuit in the light. A path that later leads to adventure and sturdy assurance. Curiosity is refusing to take anything at face value because most times you are either missing the price completely having been falsely assured, or you're likely not able to grasp full worth simply for the sake of not bothering to look. The curiosity I have been encouraged to own has made life all the richer. 

You taught me that faith is a personal thing. Everyone has their own story and their own path to walk. Though it might be easy to gloss over or white wash such a topic as faith, you challenge and encourage me not to. Each story is individual. Each step towards God is made specific and intentional for each person. Our God loves us all personally. He writes every narrative in the story, and so how could faith not be individual? Your strong stance in an individual faith is what gave me the courage to pursue it for myself. The understanding that each journey is one of a kind is why I feel pulled towards opening that door of for others as well -to know and nurture a personal relationship with God, an eternal and perfect father. 

As I aim to scale the world, you hold my belay rope. As I sought to cross the ocean, and now as I am journeying off on my own while still on our shore, you encourage me wherever my aim.

You have shown me that I am free to make any decision, and I will be loved and supported whichever way I turn.  

You have taught me we can be sure in one thing. Even when all falls, we will survive.We will rise again. You have given peace in many a dark circumstance with your simple, gentle presence. By listening, standing by me and quenching shame. When necessary, you highlight hope. You understand the weight of the moment, but you never let it hold you down.

Through the fear and pain that surrounded me last summer, you were there for more tears than I ever would have liked to give you. You were across the table as I cried through my graduation dinner, ashamed and disappointed at all that was falling through for me, you were there to listen and show me that my love is not earned through grades or achievement.

You were there as fear embodied itself in Grace's surgery, as I couldn't grasp any of the emotions that seemed to swallow me whole those few days. There to show that care was afforded all. Those braving the surgery and those courageously standing by -restless, hollowed out, and worried sick. You were there as I left Maine in a confused and broken rush, assuring me that I was loved by everyone I was leaving behind despite the circumstances. You made sure to be there as pain, sadness, and confusion slowly continued lurching through this last year. As they manifested into an almost physical presence in my life, you continued to check in:

"I love you.

Are you eating?

Are you sleeping?

I love you. 

Call when you can.

I love you."

When I felt abandoned, forgotten, unaccepted, unloved; you reached out your hand to remind me that I wasn't. You let me know I was cared for. I was seen. I was worthy of love.
You have shown me that survival is not the gritting of teeth as you pretend that everything is fine. It is not the choice to attack or stubbornly grip a fierce hold on pride. Surviving is the getting knocked down. The calm acknowledgement that there are wounds on all sides -the understanding that maybe war is often not the answer. Survival is found in the call for peace. The gentle nudge of grace and forgiveness; over, and over, and over. It's the pain and the tears, and the dressing of wounds. Survival is the bravery it takes to let others know you are hurt. The slow patience as healing takes it's course -it's painful, complicated course. You are a calm reminder that life is more than just survival. 

Most importantly, Dad, you have shown me self-giving love, like Christ.

In my unraveling..

when I was assured I was at my lowest, you showed me love. 

hugging me.

listening.

Joining me as I was at rock bottom and still dared to dream.

You encouraged whatever path I chose, without fear.

You cared for me in my fragility, but didn't encourage me to stay small. 

Teaching me that yes, it's scary, but I don't have to back down. I can continue on this path despite fear, and I will always have someone to lean on. You continuously assured me I was making a good decision as I took these first steps on my own. Watching, with love, as I wobbled, and fell. Encouraging me. Sitting with me and just loving me there -dirty and sad on the ground. You were there, in the muck and mire with me, until I was ready to get back up and take a few more steps. 

You showed me that I do not have to give love when I'm empty in order to earn my share of it. You showed me there is no giving. There is no earning. There is no even share. There is only love. And there is always more than our fair share; if only we are open to accept it. 

While I was broken, unworthy, still a sinner -you cared for me.

What a picture of the gospel you have been in my life!

I don't think I will ever be thankful enough for God giving me your comfort and support through my life. I don't think there is a way to show that kind of gratitude except for trying to be the same light in return.

I don't know what it's like to lose a father, but I do know the impact that a good one leaves. And so with that knowledge, I stand by you in love. I stand to comfort you and offer you the gentle patience taught me. To try to lend the nurturing spirit and encouragement to live curiously and explore. Give hope to help you rise after the fall. I stand to embrace, encourage and accept all that you are. To give you freedom and vision for all that you can be, even still. I will gently remind you to dress your wounds- to eat, to sleep, to call when you can. I stand here with you -to love, to love, to love. 

Always, I've been told of the ways I resemble you. For good or for bad, your qualities have been pointed out in me. For good or for bad, I've adored it. I adore you, Dad, and I will always love being your shadow daughter. But you have done more than just give me a good example to follow, you have built me up into my own being, giving me the space and love to nurture my own spirit. You have allowed me to step into my own person, my own calling. You have encouraged a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father and many of the hundreds of brothers and sisters around me. As I have now gone down paths neither of us expected, and both have been surprised by, you meet me here with grace. You join me on journeys where we both are equaled in inexperience, where it is no longer one shadow following father, but both of us together, joining others, following the Father of us all. But I am sure, even here, and even as paths separate and come back together, your person will always be recognized through me. Thank you, Dad -simply being you has made you someone I am honored to resemble.

Thank you for embodying such a great picture of fatherhood. Your fathers, both heavenly and earthly, are seen through you, too. They will always be pointed to through your character. Their love and joy seen through your smile, their strength in your stance of patience and perseverance. 

It is hard to acknowledge lack, but Dad, know that even with this hole you may feel today, you are loved. You are supported. Adored, and admired, respected and provided for. You are competent and strong -a man of true character and courage.

 You are enough. You do enough. You have enough.

And even when all of the above falls or fails... I am here with you.

And you are so loved.