broken taillights

Discomfort continues to sit in my bones.

It's hard to stand on the side of injustice that offers unwarranted favor. Harder still, to watch others accept it in silence, or even ignorant celebration, as there are people paying the price of unwarranted hate, fear, outright violence... As more still struggle to understand how to react. How to hold the fear, anger, and oppression they've been dealt and use it righteously.

Hard feels like an unfair word for me to hold as I try to understand the situation. Many know further depths of the broken justice we've seen in our families, in our nation, and know it more intimately. If I've learned anything throughout carrying the life and coping of familial pain, the weight others carry does not nullify your own. We are all in the mess together; carrying our weight in different ways. What is important to understand here though, is that our histories and genetic make-up have tipped the scales. Violence lurches everywhere - across the globe, in our own backyard, and even the depths of our hearts as we war with our own shame and pride. Is it right that some people have to be worried that violence will also come from forces sworn to protect us all? Is letting violence rage in action from our own hearts the right response toward the loss?

Some may think it's not my place to stand, or my voice doesn't carry weight because I don't know what it's like to live familiar with fighting the same internal or external gunfire, but I have to disagree. I don't have a place of power or full understanding, but my voice still matters. I still have a narrative line, somehow tangled in the larger picture. Every voice matters. And voices, whether they fit the tagline or not, should not back away from speaking for the rights of their fellow man, 

Seeing how I stand in favor, with no right; seeing others acted against in fear -seeing people stand in fear of another at all! ...I cannot stand to feign acceptance. I cannot just let this be my brother's cause. Society may deem my role more agreeable if I stand to the side or give a small nod of empathy, but God gave me a voice. And unless the earth opens up and swallows me whole, like hell, I will use it.

Big or small, the price increases for another if we sit back and allow injustice, violence, oppression, as we sit back in comfort, waiting for the storm to blow over. Silence only buys resource for the perpetrator. Big or small, answering in violence only creates a deeper wound in our world, our nation, our own heart. 

We all have a voice and a place in society, and none of these matters in my life or yours were mistakes. I know what to stand for. In my place of unearned societal favor, I will not stand as others are denied fundamental rights. I will not stand as more still are taken in violence from outrage. With the place given me, I will continue to live for others to receive the grace none of us deserve in our own standing. 

I'm angered as I currently am trying to understand my personal role and calling when it comes to injustice, both big and small. 

As a Christian, I believe we are called to stand against injustice. As an American, and a global citizen I expect the same. So I am heartbroken when daily, I witness, allow, and even take advantage of ways in which both foundations are lacking to hold their weight. 

When we stand as the church and deem justice, equality, or human rights as secondary causes in which we can brush to the side we become termites, eating away at what we claim to stand for. If we see everyone as loved by God and made in his image -if that is the good news that we are trying to illuminate, then we must aim to live that out with integrity! Everyone is made in his image. No matter their color, age, background, sexuality, occupation, life decisions.

Underneath the differing skin tone -there is a human, made in the image of God.

Behind the language of another tongue -there is a human, made in the image of God.

Walking inside the police uniform -there is a human, made in the image of God.

Within temples, on both sides of the front lines of war, in the gay nightclubs of Orlando and the world, in airports, marathons, parks and bus stops, transgender bathrooms, in your neighborhood and the cities and nations you would never dare go...there is a human, made in the image of God.

There is no reason to stand against or in distance. No reason to see anyone as less than. God does not decide to stand against or in distance. Through the life and action of Christ, he chooses not to see you as unworthy. Grace, in definition is unearned favor. So no matter what excuse you bring to the table for your action against or in distance from another -it's void. Stand by your brother. Love him; no matter the difference. Fight for him; don't walk away. Read to him how the word you stand by says there is neither slave nor free, greek nor jew, and don't be found a liar. 

I know it's hard; but Jesus did it for you, and his call is to follow him. He willingly went to that cross and he took your pain. In the moment -take your brother's pain. Don't second guess if he deserves it, or there could have been reason. Don't cast blame. Jesus didn't; instead he asked forgiveness for his perpetrator; and when we denied him -when we went so far as to kill him in our ignorance and sin, he came back to be with us.

Come back -together. Stand, even when those you thought were your people leave you to stand alone. Don't force them to come, either. They will either come around or others will. Remember, you are never truly alone. When you hold your people closer than you hold anything else, you make them idols. Don't worship your people. You don't need to stand to justify their actions. Don't stand by in silence, in fear of their approval. In doing so you allow their fists to close in a death-grip at the throat of their entitlement. You'll eventually find your hands doing the same. First it will just be witnessing their action with acceptance. But before long, you, too will find your hands clasped in fear of letting your standing slip through your unrecognizably tense hands. It'll build up, tight around your bones; becoming muscle memory before you're even conscious of the habit. 

This habit is strangling the whole of us. Loosen your hands. I know it's scary, but let them go. Once we're all able to breathe again, we can find the strength to stand. 

Fear. 

It's been a large character in my life this past year as I've struggled with anxiety, and it's something I clearly recognize on both sides of so many acts of chaos and trauma. 

Fear lead these officers to a dark and twisty place. Power gave them opportunity to pull the trigger -multiple times. Fear brought flight to responsive action in worry that pain and responsibility would not be rightfully acknowledged. Power in yet another weapon caused more bloodshed.

Fear and power.

They can make for a pretty mean marriage.

They create distance that can stretch miles wide. They promise walls bordering countries. Build highways to avoid driving through parts of our cities we deem too dangerous -too close to the people we've found to be our (br)other. They write up years worth of paperwork and screenings to keep families from finding new homes in free nations. They are what force people to brave rough seas in inflatable boats, and into streets with frustration and pain. Fear and power compromise the foundation of so many marriages -so many families...

Fear and power keep me in my car instead of walking the 15 minutes to a friend's house on the west-side of Buffalo.They allow me to change the station or flip the switch if another's realities are too much for me in my daily news update. They keep me silent as I sit with company that expresses different views that may be prejudice, even clearly unjust. Fear and power allow me to laugh, or even join in if I need to release steam, be accepted, or just save face. 

Fear distances us from others as we try to keep it shut up. It festers. It feeds on itself as you soon become afraid of letting anyone know just how afraid you are. It multiplies inside you, like bacteria in a petri dish. Once the room to hold this monster in our stomach is over capacity and wrought with knots he's tied up, fear rips his way out. Initially, my decision in this state of trauma is to freeze, but you can only stay frozen for so long. 

Fear seems like its not harming anyone but ourselves when it paralyzes us to do nothing; timidly floating on the current. But is that true? Is reacting frozen in fear ever harmless to others? Is personal well being worth sacrificing as we carry around this ticking grenade in our stomachs?

And what happens when the fear or power overtakes us? 

This year, fear threatened to paralyze me as I found myself wrapped in a year of anxiety and panic. Personal and family strife brought panic attacks, night terrors, and attachments of pain to people, places, and memories I wanted so deeply to be held simple, pure, and with joy. 

When fear and panic subsided, I found anger. Circumstances were unjust, and I could not stand the pain that I and others had to carry in light of it. I don't think anger is the wrong response to injustice, but when we choose to use it to propel more violence, we nurture ground for the toxic environment that bred our pain in the first place. 

It was hard, exhausting even to engage. It sometimes still is. There were months, blurred together in which I felt I hit the wall and had no more energy to give this cause of greater healing. I wanted to freeze. I desired backlash. I wanted to do anything but press forward. I wanted to quiet any hope towards someday seeing both victim, perpetrator, and all that fell under both titles, forgiven, whole, healed. Hope was terrifying. Whole seemed impossible.

It was hard. But I knew if I chose fear - to hide it or to accept it as my truth, it would fester. If I chose to deny it, fear would overtake me. If I let it have it's way and define my outlook, I would distance myself from those who had potential to provide support and eventually find myself in a very small box. It was hard not to stay small and quiet. As I said, it exhausted me every day I decided to put in the effort. It was scary to acknowledge the fear and push through. But it doesn't go away until I address the fear itself. 

If you don't engage fear, you will see everything through its lens. You will become blind to the love held out in front of you. You will put yourself and others in very small boxes in which you won't have enough room for love. Don't swallow the fear. Don't hold to its lens as the truth. Confess it; confront it. Engage. Push through. Even when you wind up exhausted, in tears or unable to eat at the end of the day because of how sick the whole mess makes you.

Choosing to view life in the lens of fear -viewing others through it puts you at the trigger's end of a gun. 

When you're taught to fear, it quickly turns to malice, turning a simple interaction into a shoot before shot at situation. And where does that get you? 

More scared. More angry. More alone.

What are you afraid of? 

Are you afraid of being wrong? Scared of being hurt? 

So what if you are?

Are you afraid that your family, you church, your nation will think you are wrong? That you will be standing alone as they oppose you? Many thought Jesus was wrong in his time. And yes, he died for it. Put that into perspective if you claim his name -his gospel. Keep it in mind if you state that any of these people died or suffered because they were threatening or forceful. Remember, as you look at your own sufferings and little deaths and try to choose how to respond. And even if you have chosen to respond in fear or hate -remember, Jesus came back around to be with you, too.

Where is your fear? Where is your power?

Are you well enough aware of them? Are you willing to take a second look?

How do you use your place, voice, platform or favor?

Your place is important. Your voice is important. You have been given a stage, a microphone, an ability to write, to speak, to build or create, record or whatever you enjoy or are good at! You have been given favor with others for a reason! Use it to tell the truth, spread love. Be a canary in the minefield and be brave enough to shout when the air is poisoned!

Don't be afraid. Don't let fear stop you from looking at the hard things. For standing up and using the voice, the platform, position or favor you have been given. Use it well, not with force. Be brave. Engage. Deeming it as unimportant is an unjust exercise of power. Others still aren't aware that they have the same right and responsibility. Choose to engage. Show others they can, too. 

We all have broken taillights. Something is going catch attention and bring us into the arena without asking our permission. You might be aware of what that is for you, you might not; but it will come. When it calls you, don't fear. When you are found with others in the mess and the trauma, I hope you can answer that you are right there, too. I hope you can console and comfort, and are not scared to use your voice to speak to one or to millions. I hope that instead of letting the fear take control, you speak for what is right, what is just; what is, through suffering or safety, in Jesus, an unearned gift offered us all.